Freshman Year
by myfriendfiction
Summary: Want more insight into the mind of Jade West? Well, here it is. This is Jade's journal entries from Freshman year at Hollywood Arts. See how the gang all met and how Beck and Jade came to be, weren't you all wondering those things? I know I was.
1. Chapter 1

_After watching each episode of Victorious I was always left wishing I had more insight into Jade's mind. The character Jade West is so three dimentional and gives way to so many possible storylines, even if there only in my head. Since we've never seen freshman year on the show, how the original group of friends met, and how Beck and Jade came to be this story takes place in Jade's point of view. I chose to write Jade's diary entries to write from her perspective. I have also written sophomore, junior, and senior year in Jade's perspective. They are all written I just have to upload so check back if you are interested. _

**Freshman Year**

**The Eve Before High School August 2009 **

I begin this journal today as it is the first day of high school at Hollywood Arts. I know writing in a diary is all kinds of lame and girly so I am calling this a journal. Every performer towards the end of their career, or when they are trying to save their fledgling career, writes their autobiography. Unless they want someone that doesn't know what the chiz they are talking about writing it for them, you do it yourself. If you're a no talented sham of a celebrity you have a ghost writer. I would not need that. So I am writing in this journal to document my life from here on out. I will try to be truthful when I write so that the events in my life are properly documented. I also like to write so this gives me practice and perhaps will one day provide inspiration. A therapist my mom once dragged me to also said writing my feelings out could me therapeutic. Whatever.

So who am I at this point in my life? I'm 14 and start Hollywood Arts tomorrow. I use to be really into ballet. Don't get me wrong I hate pink tutus but you would be surprised that there are actually few pink tutus once you get past dance class at around age six. I was on track to be a prima ballerina and dance professionally. However, my tall and lanky body grew into a much too tall and pubescent body. When I injured my leg it was the final nail in my dancing coffin. I couldn't control that and it was difficult to deal with, my mother took me to yet another shrink. That shrink said I was just going through a phase with my dark clothes and unenthusiastic demeanor. Trust me, I was never that enthusiastic or into pink girly clothes at any point in my life. I had severe colic as a baby. Perhaps that was caused by the frilly pink clothes my mother dressed me in. This was also the point in which I had seen the movie Mermaids and knew that Winona Rider's character and I shared a soul in many aspects, it gave me hope. My mother knew that if she would take a moment to be honest with herself. I knew I couldn't control what had happened to my ballet dreams. My mother informed me that the same thing had happened to her and every serious ballerina dancer lives in fear from the ages of 10-16 as they wait for puberty to strike. The fear of injury also looms constant and that career ending injury happened to me. I tore my Achilles tendon and had to get surgery. During my recovery time I was missing some of the most valuable ballet practice that occurs in one's entire career. Those pubescent years make or break a dancer and weeds the weak out of the dance studio. Don't get me wrong I can still kick ass at pirouettes. If I had really wanted to I could have probably made a comeback when many of my peers would not have been able to do so.

The death of my ballet dream still hurts but I also found a new dream that I focused on during my recovery. That new dream is why I am going to Hollywood Arts. Ballet is a performance, it is acting. Since I couldn't do ballet I joined school plays with a new passion, went to a few acting workshops, and took more acting and singing lessons. Performing has always been my focus; I'm just focusing on a few new aspects of performing. I went to a fancy private school from pre k to 8th. I hated it there. Everyone had to dress the same and everyone but me acted the same way. No one liked me, well this one kid, Sinjin, felt otherwise, but once I figured out how to scare people he kept his distance. I liked no one. I highly doubt HA will be any different. It's not that I don't want friends. I don't like sitting alone, although I do like my quiet time. It's just that I find people really annoying and uninteresting. I don't have anything in common with most people either. I like to read, write, act, sing (not stupid Ginger Fox songs),use scissors, and watch movies (good ones.) Maybe at HA there will be less annoying people that interest me. I'm not holding my breath.

Now onto my home life: My parents divorced because my dad is a serial cheater and my mom finally got a backbone and kicked him out. It was a long bitter divorce that finally became official when I was eleven. My dad remarried last year. Kelly pretty much stays out of my way. She's fifteen years younger than my dad, Daniel, and is your typical blonde California girl. She's from Malibu. She worked as a secretary or something, that's how she met my father. They met shortly after my father dropped his latest whore shortly after the divorce was final. Now that my dad has a wife to keep house and keep an eye on me I am actually expected to go to his house on his allotted weekends and holidays. Kelly is now pregnant. Oh joy. Apparently since my dad so enjoyed fathering me he decided to try fatherhood again. My father's a lawyer that specializes in business law. I assume that means he helps people find loopholes so that they can get away with what would otherwise be white collar crime. He gets paid very well and lives in Beverly Hills. He is from Montecito and my mother is from Napa Valley. They meant when my father was in law school and my mother was in college. My mother works at an art museum. She says she always wanted to be an actress or ballerina but never had the guts to really try so she supports my desire and demanded that my father allow me to go to HA. She didn't work until she filed for divorce. My mother and I moved to an apartment in Hollywood and a few weeks ago we moved into a house in the Hollywood Hills. My mother and I get along ok but now she is barley home, either at work or regaining the life she gave up when she married Daniel West. When my father isn't ignoring me he is complaining to me about how I turned out. He blames my mother. He thinks HA is a waste of time. I don't care what he thinks. I don't care what anyone thinks.

The most cause of concern for my parents, teachers, and therapists is my dark personality. I was never scared of the dark. I love horror films and books. I wear a lot of black, not because it is slimming, because I like it. As a child I always used the black crayon. When my parents fought and ignored me I broke things with a hammer or cut them up with scissors. I tend to be a loner but am not afraid to tell people what I think. My mother took me to a few therapists when I was younger. They all assured my mother that nothing was wrong with me mentally and I was just going through a phase. A phase my ass, unless the definition of a phase is one's entire life! This is just my personality. So deal with it world!


	2. Chapter 2

**First Day of High School August 2009**

So today was my first day of high school at Hollywood Arts. It is a school full of freaks but that actually is better than the plastics at my old school. I can at least draw amusement from these people. SInjin is attending but I gave him a glare that should keep him away for a few days. This girl named Cat followed me around like a lost puppy and has others tagging along as well. There's this awkward boy who walks around with a talking puppet. The puppet insults him and he lets it so basically he is insulting himself, that is just the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Why am I wasting my time writing about this? Anyways, there's this boy with dreads and another with fluffy hair that all the girls are already drooling over. Fluffy hair actually said some semi intelligent things today but once he realizes the social standing he can have in this school, he will turn into a self absorbed jerk. I'm sure he and dreads will ditch us soon to hang out with the popular kids. Then it will be me, Cat, and puppet boy. I think puppet boy will have to go and Cat will have to learn to talk less. Fluffy hair also rides my bus and tried to sit next to me but I placed my book bag there so he sat across from me.

**Movie Night September 2009**

We've been in school for two weeks now. I allowed Cat to talk me into joining our lunch group for a movie at the theatre. I wanted to see the movie anyways so I went. My mother was beaming when she dropped me off. It made me want to throw up. As we waited in line for tickets I tried to drown out the sound of Cat telling Robbie a story about her brother. She loves to tell these ridiculous stories about her brother. I'm beginning to think her brother doesn't even exist, that's what Beck and I were talking about in line. There is something weird about him, like why is a boy that girls think is God's gift to them friends with a boy like Robbie, and why is he in line talking to me about Cat's brother when Andre kept giving him signals to join him and flirt with these girls behind us in line that look as though they are from Northridge. And like every ten seconds some girl would be all, "I Beck are you having fun in this long line." He would be all, "Hi, Jessica." Then they would be like, "It's julissa but you can call me Jessica." It was so annoying. He can't even remember their names, does he have a bad memory or is he just dumb. Then, again he doesn't seem too interested in them. Maybe he's gay. Whatever, it's not like I care!

**Bird Scene Victory September 2009**

Today, I mastered the bird scene. The bird scene is a scene we must master before we can audition for a play. The scene involves a lonely prairie widow, whose only friend is a bird. It sounds like a pathetic woman to me. We have to perform the scene alone or in front of only students that have already passed the scene, and we must keep how we passed the scene a secret. I passed the scene on my first try. I am the only one to do so, besides some student that Sikowitz said is crazy. I think her name was Bonnie and the annoying talentless Trina Vega also passed the first time. The secret is that you have to stand up for your work. Sikowitz will say your scene was good but that you did not pass. I knew my scene was good. I stayed up all night rehearsing. He told me I didn't pass so I told him he was wrong and thus I passed.

PS Beck passed on his third try. Andre passed on his 5th try after he added a musical performance to the scene and wonked out on Sikowitz after the teacher once again said he didn't pass. Cat performed the scene four times a day for a week before she passed. Robbie, after performing it once a day for a month, finally passed when Rex freaked out that even Robbie deserved to have passed the scene by now. There were a lot of tears involved.

**Starring Role September 2009**

I've been really busy with school lately. I got the lead role in the freshman school play, Torn Pages, and the other role is played by Beck. We stayed after school the other day to run lines together. Truthfully, he is one of the lesser annoying people at HA. He can still be really annoying though. He's always finding things to talk to me about and going out of his way to be nice. It's weird. No one has ever gone out of their way to be nice to me. I mean Cat is but she's weird and nice to everyone. She follows me around and I allow it because when I tell her to scram or be quiet she does it.

Anyways, we have to decorate our lockers in a way that reflects our personality. I chose scissors but I was having a hard time gluing them to my locker. Beck comes along and helps me do it. Most people would have run away from a girl holding multiple pairs of scissors, especially when I hold them with a menacing scowl. He helped me. His locker is transparent because he has no secrets to hide. Please, like I believe that. Everyone has something to hide. I asked him why he was helping me and not running. His explanation was that I looked like I needed help and I may be holding a lot of scissors but they all happened to be rather dull. He asked me why I chose scissors. I told him to buzz off. Truthfully I chose scissors because they are one of the few things I love. I love the way they look, feel, and sound. If I start cutting up something when I am stressed or angry they calm me down. Of course, I get in trouble if I cut my mom's stuff. I remember the first time I used scissors as though it was yesterday, it was actually preschool. This boy, Sinjin, the thorn in my side, was annoying me, trying to kiss me, and then drooled on the picture I had colored and cut out. The picture was for my mom, it was to cheer her up because my dad was being a bigger jerk than usual that week. I drew a picture of the botanical gardens because she loved to go there with me. I even used colored crayons, of course not pink or yellow. The teacher said I was the best cutter and drawer in class. So I started cutting Sinjin's picture in little pieces. He started to cry. The teacher made me sit in time out. I'm still angry at Mrs. Kennedy for that. Sinjin is still a pain but he hasn't tried to kiss me since. I learned that scissors, even safety scissors, could be used to teach people a lesson and make me feel better. To conclude, I love scissors.

**Rehearsals September 2009**

Yesterday afternoon I stayed after school to help Beck run lines. He said he needed help and I don't want the play to suck so I helped him. We've had plenty of rehearsals so he should've had it down. He didn't seem to need help though. We finished earlier than expected so he asked if I wanted to get ice cream at the stand next to HA. I reluctantly agreed since my mom wouldn't be available to give me a ride earlier. When we were walking there he grabbed my hand and I shoved him in the bushes. I confronted him and he apologized. He said that he thought we liked each other. I told him that he was crazy and that not every girl in the world worships the ground he walks on. Today we had one last run through at rehearsal. Opening night is in an hour. Beck gave me a rose to apologize for his behavior and wish me good luck. I cut the rose up into pieces in front of him and told him to never speak of it again.

**Opening Night September 2009**

Yesterday was the first night of the play. Afterwards we all got pizza. Being on stage is like feeling free. When I play a character I can forget all the drama in my own life. I don't have to deal with other people's expectations of me or their reactions to me. During the final bow and even later at dinner I could feel that coming to HA was definitely the right decision. Sinjin may go there and Robbie's locker next to mine may show signs of his deep psychosis but I know I'm much happier, for lack of a better word, here than I would be somewhere else. After much begging by Cat I stayed the night at her house. I finally met her crazy brother and boy is he weird. I can't wait to tell Beck that he really exists, just because we were talking about it a while back. Cat, of course, wanted to do the entire girly sleepover thing. I've never actually gone to a sleepover but I've seen it in movies. Hair, nail polish, movies, and popcorn I could tolerate. Cat's giggling and insistence that, "Beck and I totally like each," was really annoying. I just happen to be able to tolerate Beck a little more than say Robbie. A boy like Beck, destined for popularity and a revolving door of girls, would never like me and a girl like me, dark, moody, mysterious, would never like a boy like Beck. I know Beck tried to hold my hand but he's probably just trying to prove something since I'm, the only girl not ogling over him. It probably hurts his pride that I'm not infatuated with him. Hopefully him trying to hold my hand was a onetime thing otherwise he will quickly become someone I do not tolerate. I am not interested in games or mending his pride.

**My First Pool Party** September 2009

Cat had the gang over at her house for a pool party. I didn't want to go so I told her that I didn't have a swim suit, which was a lie. She then made plans for us to go shopping to get one so I quickly stated that I forgot that I do actually have a swim suit. Honestly, I didn't want to be in a swim suit in front of everyone. But last week Cat also invited everyone swimming and I faked a headache to get out of it. The next day at lunch Rex asked if I faked it because I didn't know how to swim so I fired back saying that I knew how to swim and would prove it to him next time. My mouth really gets me into trouble sometimes. The truth is that I just feel uncomfortable in a swim suit, especially in front of the boys. I mean, I'm not use to this whole boob thing. If you're too flat everyone notices but if you actually have boobs everyone notices too. You can't win. I am Jade West so no one has actually said anything but I still know what they are thinking. When you are thin yet have the biggest boobs in your grade for a girl your size everyone notices. Of course there is always that fat girl with huge boobs but she eats lunch alone. I've always been stick thin so when you start getting boobs and curves before everyone else it's hard to get use to it. It's awkward when you are as flat as a piece of paper and then suddenly in eighth grade you're a solid B cup. It is not that they are that big it is just that all of the other fourteen year old girls are as flat as a piece of notebook paper still. It also probably doesn't help that my mom briefly dated a skeez bag when I was thirteen. She brought him over to our apartment for the first time and I happened to be in my bathing suit in the kitchen eating lunch. When my mom left the room to do something the way he looked at me made me really uncomfortable. He also said something like he couldn't believe I was thirteen, I looked really grown up and he thought my mother had a little girl. I just felt intuitively uncomfortable and left the room, on my way out he patted me on the shoulder like he's known me for years. I didn't say anything to my mom about it. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if she would believe me or if my intuition was right. When my mom had scheduled dates with him I would pretend to be sick so she would stay at home with me. She didn't believe me after a while or told me that I was old enough to stay at home by myself, after all I didn't have a fever of anything. There were a few other occasions when he put his hand on my thigh or even arm in an uncomfortable way. I always rebuffed his advances and tried to avoid him. I told my mom that I didn't trust him but I couldn't verbalize a reason so she thought I was just jealous. You see, after my parents had gotten a divorce I would often fake sick in an effort to get my mom to say at home with me. At one point he confronted me and asked me why I didn't like him and he kept saying he wanted to be my friend and that I shouldn't be such a brat, he was just being nice. He cornered me and asked me if he could kiss me on the cheek as a peace offering. I told him no, he tried anyways, and I shoved him away. He got mad and roughly grabbed my arm and held me against the wall. My mom then walked in the room, she kicked him out of her home and life. She had just got back from the market and threw the canned goods in the bag she was holding at him. She was really depressed afterwards because she had let a man into her life and bed and he ended up being a pervert. We never really talked about it again. Luckily we never saw him again.

The bottom line is you can't hide them in a bathing suit. So I went to the pool party but tried to keep my towel over me as much as possible. I also don't want to sun burn, which happens way to easily to me. I hate the sun by the way. When I did get into the pool I'm pretty sure all three boys noticed but they quickly regained composure, Robbie took the longest. I guess when there is only one set of boobs to look at a sound only boys can hear goes off and their eyes are drawn to them like magnets. I have a theory though. The strongest boys can look away the fastest and the weakest boys have the most trouble looking away. In case you were wondering Beck looked away the fastest. Although, that could be a sign that he is gay. Robbie took the longest to recover.

**Closing Night October 2009**

The play is over. I'm really going to miss it but there will be other plays. Most people did a good job in their roles, not Robbie with his one line though. I was impressed that Beck did well; being opposite me in the play he was able to keep up. Honestly, I underestimated him. It seems like most people only notice "the handsome boy" or "boy with the hair" instead of his great performance. After the play Sikowitz and the other drama teachers involved with the play provided desserts and refreshments for the freshman students that were involved. I didn't really feel like socializing with everyone else but my mom made me stay. "You should be a team player Jade", she told me. So I ate on the catwalk away from everyone else. Beck and Cat ended up finding me and giving me their thanks and praise for my part in the play. He seemed to sense I wanted to be alone so he persuaded Cat to go back to the stage with him. I guess he earned another day of tolerance from me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ping Pong Scam October 2009**

The school got a ping pong table and put it in the recreation room. Robbie wanted us all to see it and said we should form a team. I hit him on the head. Robbie wanted us all to play a game. No one really wanted to except Cat. So they played a few games while Andre, Beck, and I talked about the school assembly we had that morning. The assembly was about how many of us would be likely to drop out or never get into college if we didn't work our hardest. All of the college talks and how tough it is to make it in show biz had us all a little stressed out. The next day Cat told us about some fancy restaurant her parents had taken her and her brother to for their mom's birthday. Everyone wanted to go. We were all starving because the lunch room had some sort of electrical problem so there was no lunch that day. Sikowitz offered us one coconut to share as a class. The school had to feed us so they were procuring up some snacks. I suggested that we fake a ping pong team and take the money that the school gave us and have dinner at the fancy restaurant that Cat told us about. At first no one agreed and looked at me as if I were a dirty criminal. But then they all started to come around and we got Sikowitz in on our plan. After all, if we wanted to get into a good college we would need extracurricular activities. Being on the ping pong team could help us get into college and since we didn't have the time or energy for another extracurricular activity we should have a fake one that allows us to have a delicious dinner. We would use the left over money to buy a first place trophy which would also save the principal's job since the school district was under pressure for teams with girls at HA to win trophies. Tonight was the dinner. Robbie made a total fool of himself once he saw Cat in her fancy dress. It hurt my eyes to look at all that pink. Beck had the gull to tell me that I looked nice. I berated him and stomped towards the table. Does that mean I look hideous every day? Why would he need to say that to me? Does he think I am just waiting for him to compliment me? I am not. Andre just laughed and sat down so that the only available seats left for Beck and I were next to each other.

**Cat, Cookies, and Complications October 2009**

Cat, Beck, and I are working on a history project together. Our subject is the Boston Tea Party. Trying to explain history or anything to Cat is trying and difficult. I seriously want to yank her hair out of her head sometimes but I know it would be bad for her to lose anymore brain cells. We worked on the project at Beck's house, which is three blocks away from my house. Every time I got testy with Cat, Beck would try to calm me down. Who does he think he is? The weird thing is it kinda worked. Also, Beck's mother literally made cookies. They were still warm. She served them to us while wearing an apron. My mom was suppose to pick me up but was running late so I just walked home and Beck and his mom insisted that he walk me home, even though it is only a few blocks away. The walk home was awkward. Being alone with someone is always awkward. Even calm and collected Beck seemed nervous. He has this habit of running his hand through his hair whenever he is nervous or frustrated. He asked me if I wanted to go see this new horror movie Saturday night that he thought I would like. I've actually been dying to see it. It's called The Scissoring. Today at school I asked what time everyone was meeting. I don't think anyone else was invited. Beck said he didn't invite Cat and Robbie because he said they would want to come but be traumatized. I agree with that. Cat and Robbie then continued to pout until Beck caved in and invited them. Beck said that he hadn't gotten a chance to invite Andre yet. Andre was all weird about it and then said he had plans. He had to pretend he was his grandma's pet parrot. He advised Cat and Robbie get some plans. It looked like he had something in his eye, it kept twitching. It's almost like Beck wanted us to go alone. Not that going alone would be a big deal. We would just be two people going to a movie on a Saturday night. If he was trying to make a move on me or something it wouldn't work. I would say that I don't want to go because lunch was so awkward but I am dying to see The Scissoring.

PS I had my last session with Lane the school counselor. It certainly did not take long for him to give up, which greatly pleases me. He did however inform me that he will check up on me every now and then. Oh joy.

**The Scissoring October 2009**

My new favorite movie is The Scissoring! It is perfect. Everything about it was amazing. I'm so glad I ended up going to see it with Beck. I'm glad Cat and Robbie ended up not coming, otherwise we probably would have had to see that stupid dolphin detective movie. Most people would be grossed out or scared by The Scissoring and Beck seemed a little disturbed at some points but mostly unfazed. It was a little awkward, just it being the two of us. At school Cat had kept hounding me asking if it was a date. She then pouted when I yelled at her. When we were waiting for our ride Natasha Cole, from HA, came up to us and asked if we were on a date. She looked relieved when we said no. She then gave Beck this flirty little smile and started to talk about how maybe they should go out sometime. She completely ignored that I was standing there. I wished that I still had popcorn that I could dump over her head. I did however tell her that what happened to her skirt must have been so embarrassing. I mean to have the door just rip half of it right off! She then flipped her hair and walked off. I hate girls like that, they are so annoying. We continued waiting for our ride and Beck asked me," If you were going on a murdering scissoring rampage what number would I be on that list." My response was, "I guess you would be towards the end." He then grabbed my wrist and walked me to his mom's car. Ordinarily if someone touches me I would have shoved them but I didn't this time since it was only for a few seconds. By the time I got home Cat had called me and wanted every detail. I found myself giving her every detail. Cat asked me if I liked Beck and said that she thought that Beck liked me. Whatever. As I was getting into bed I got a text from Beck, "I hope you don't have any bad dreams tonight." The next morning he texted me again, "Sleep Well?" I texted back, "Yeah, did you have to sleep with mommy and daddy?" The truth is that I think I like Beck and I think I want him to like me back. And that thought scares me.

**Bowling November 2009**

Beck asked me if I wanted to see another movie with him or something, just the two of us. I responded by saying that I thought we should invite everyone else because it would be rude not to. He said, "Since when do you care about being rude?" Well, he had me there but he said maybe we could invite everyone to go bowling. So Friday night we went bowling. It was a very long night with Cat's many gutter balls. She also tried to roll her ball down the lane next to ours, twice. At one point Robbie dropped his ball on his foot so he and Cat went to get ice. Andre went to go flirt with some girls two lanes away. This left Beck and I alone, it was pretty awkward. Beck told me that he didn't want it to be awkward and that he likes me but is happy to have me as a friend and asked if I would still use my scissors on him last. I said yes. He concluded that we both like each other and friends spend time together alone so we should be just fine. He then changed the subject and I forgot all about how awkward and confused I felt.

**Never Confide in Cat November 2009**

Never tell Cat a secret! I don't know why I did. I confessed to Cat that I like Beck and Cat told Beck. Cat was annoying me. She was jumping around and begging me to admit it, so I did. It started when Beck and I stayed after school because he asked me to help him with his math homework. I am a perfectionist and was erasing my paper about to rip a hole in it when Beck grabbed my hand and told me he thought I got it all erased. He then kept his hand on mine until I pulled away. It threw me off. My heart was pulsating and I felt the need to get out of there. I proceeded to pick a fight with Beck that I don't like being touched and does he just need to make every girl fall for him and since I am currently the only girl not fawning over him he is working overtime to make it happen. He could have any girl so he shouldn't waste his time with me because I don't like him like that. Ok, so I do like him like that but he doesn't need to know. Yes, Cat told him but she's not known for giving accurate information. The librarian told us to be quiet and I told her to go find some books to alphabetize and Beck apologized for me. By this point I had walked to the hallway with him following me and he told me that there was no need to freak out because he knows that I like him as more than a friend because Cat told him. I told him that Cat misunderstood. He said that nothing had to change between us if or until I was ready. We went back to the library and finished our math homework until his mom came to give us a ride home. I am so going to give Cat a piece of my mind! She better sleep with one eye open.

**Routine December 2009**

My new high school life has officially become routine now. I hang out with the same people at school and we often do something on the weekend together. I do my homework, take piano lessons, and an occasional acting or voice workshop. Part of the routine is now Beck asking me to go on a date with him. The first time it happened I reminded him that he said he was going to leave me alone about it and nothing had to change. He claimed that he changed his mind because I'm stubborn and he's up for a challenge. Each time this happens I say no and either stomp on his foot, push him into something, or cut up something he has given me. I have also poured coffee on his shoes at least five times; sometimes the coffee was coffee that he had given me. I got tired of wasting perfectly good coffee so I finally accepted some coffee from him on one condition; he had to do some explaining. Why did he continually ask me out when I kept rejecting him? What did he have to prove? Did he have a fetish for rejection? He could have any other girl. Beck and I were at my locker when Cindy Johansson came up and started flirting with Beck. We were having a conversation so I threw her books on the ground. After she left he then explained. Other girls may be easy to get but he supposed that he liked a challenge. Besides he had much more interesting conversations with me than with them. They wore smelly perfume and wore so much lip gloss that he could see his reflection when they talked to him. When he put things that way I understood and found myself wanting to believe him. He also stated that he wished I would trust that he didn't have some weird fetish that made him go after girls that rejected him or wore black. If I was ok hanging out with him then why wouldn't I be ok hanging out with him on a date. He made some valid points. In the movie Mermaids, Cher's character gave Lou a chance. At first she didn't trust him and assumed he had ulterior motives but that made no sense as he was a nice guy with no other motives. So in the spirit of one of my favorite movies I gave Beck a chance. I agreed to go with him to a movie and dinner afterwards if he didn't make a big deal out of it and broadcast it to the entire school. He gave me that stupid side smile of his and I told him I could still change my mind. My acceptance was also in a very sarcastic tone.


	4. Chapter 4

**1****st**** Date December 2009**

My mom dropped us off at the movies and Beck's mom was going to pick us up. I was nervous about going. I changed my outfit five times. What if he was playing me and was going to Carrie me and pour pigs blood over my head when I got there? I felt like I was in some lame coming of age teen drama. However, Beck doesn't seem like that kind of a guy. So I just tried to think of the Beck I know not the Beck that someone like him is suppose to be. I thought of the Beck that helped me decorate my locker, the Beck that asked me out after I had poured coffee on him a half a dozen times, the Beck that nervously ran his hand through his hair when he talked to me, and the Beck that smiled when I said yes. So I went on the date with Beck. If I had canceled or stood him up I would have seemed like I was scared and Jade West doesn't do scared. I told my mom it wasn't a date. I could tell that she didn't believe me but she was smart and let it drop. She had such a big smile on her face because I was going on my first date that it made me want to break something. At the same time it also made me feel good that she cared and it reminded me of the mom I had before the divorce. The movie was very good. It was well done and gave us a lot to talk about as we walked down the street to dinner and sat down. Talking to Beck was easy. It was awkward but only because we were nervous. Well, I know I was nervous and I am pretty sure that Beck was nervous too but he seems pretty good at hiding it. It usually takes a lot of effort for me to be around people, especially in a one on one situation, being with Beck is different. He certainly annoys me less than other people, I can't shock him or scare him, and he actually can carry an intelligent conversation. It is a surprise to me, being on a date with a boy at fourteen. I was never a girl that fawned over a boy or dreamt of my dream wedding. I don't like many people and have never given many boys a second thought. While other girls were crushing over Justin Timberlake and Justin Beiber I was thinking of Johnny Depp and Humphrey Bogart. I'm sure it is not surprising that I like Johnny Depp, I mean Edward Scissorhands is amazing. Humphrey Bogart may be a surprising choice and the idiot reading this probably doesn't even know who that is but let's just say that there is something about the way that man rolls a cigarette and wears a fedora. It is also how he always plays a bad guy but when compared to another bad guy he is the better of the two evils and always ends up the hero. I love film noir it reflects true life. I  
guess I should get back to my date. That sounds so weird. Anyways, Beck was great, he knew what to say to me and what not to say, when to change the subject, and he didn't make me uncomfortable by trying to touch me or prod me with questions. At the end of the night he told me that he had a good time and would like to spend more time with me like this if I was cool with it. I told him I would probably be good with it and then his mom took us home. A few minutes ago, Beck texted me goodnight. I can't believe I am saying this but I like the good looking guy at school that all the other girls like and he likes me back. My life has certainly taken a surprise turn.

**Walking Home December 2009**

Beck and I were at his house doing biology homework this evening and afterwards he walked me home and held my hand. I let him. I usually don't like to be touched but I was ok with it. I was really nervous but nervous isn't the best way to describe it because I didn't want what was making me nervous to stop.

**Better than Others December 2009**

Beck and I are the only freshman to get roles in the school wide play. They are not the biggest roles but it is unusual for freshman to get roles at all in the first school wide play. Everyone is encouraged to audition, however Beck and I were the only freshman to receive a role, this being said the seniors gave us a hard time. There is a group of seniors that are in an underground thespian/musicians club at the school. They invited us to go with them to the gorilla club for acting exercises. Andre was also invited to go because he was the only freshman who received a seat in the play's band. We didn't know what the gorilla club was; we only knew a few things about it. One it is an honor to be invited. Two most people don't accept the challenges, the challenges are designed to teach one to take risks, which is vital for a good actor. Three most people that attempt the challenges don't win. We also heard that blood paves the gorilla club floor. Beck and Andre are convinced the blood thing is a rumor. I'm hoping it is true.

**It Happened At Rehearsal December 2009**

Today Beck and I stayed after school for rehearsals; we are in the same scene together. We were waiting in the wings for our cue to go on stage. We were talking. I don't even remember what about and he leaned into kiss me. I didn't punch him or anything afterwards. It was a simple peck on the lips and it was a little awkward after but I was ok it had happened.

**Gorilla Club December 2009**

I survived The Gorilla Club. So did Beck and Andre. The looks on the senior's faces were priceless. Let me also point out that the blood rumor is true, exaggerated but true. I am not going to go into detail about The Gorilla Club because it is a secret club. Only people that have been invited may invite others. Outsiders may not be told about it. Let's just say many of the rumors are true!

**First High School Party December 2009**

Since Andre, Beck, and I survived the Gorilla Club the seniors in our school's underground thespian club, who invited us to the Gorilla Club, invited us to a party they were holding. It's a big honor since we're freshman. If we didn't show up at the party we would be offending them. We don't want to offend them because they have a lot of say over casting school plays and performing events. Also, it is known that some of the most successful alumni that have gone to HA belonged in the secret clubs. Luckily, the party was held at a house within walking distance of Andre's house. Actually, it was still a pretty far walk but if we said we could walk there it kept our cover story that we were going to work on a school project at Laney Jones house, who did live about five blocks away. If we said we were at Laney's house Andre's mom wouldn't question us. I will admit that the three of us were pretty nervous about attending a pretty exclusively upperclass party. As we entered the party we heard them exclaim at how small we looked. In order to get into the party we had to take a swig of beer. It was disgusting. It was the first experience with alcohol for the three of us. Since we're actors we were able to pretend that it wasn't disgusting. Should we have said no and not have succumbed to peer pressure? Well, we would look like wusses and not be able to attend the party. The alcohol came from an unopened bottle so we knew it wasn't tampered with or anything. We are teenagers so we are supposed to partake in this kind of activity anyway. The seniors were impressed. The party was much tamer than we expected it to be. People were drinking but not much. Since everyone is underage the alcohol they were able to obtain was sacred to them and widely shared. It appeared that no one was drunk. In fact, they had instructed Beck, Andre, and I to only take a short sip out of the same bottle. Once we entered the party Andre, Beck, and I made a pact to leave the party if they asked us to do anything really outrageous. As it were we didn't plan on staying to long at the party. We mostly wanted to make an appearance. The Rocky Horror Picture Show movie was playing on the living room tv but no one was paying attention. The couch was occupied by teenagers making out. I suspect the bedrooms were too. The three of us just stood around talking to each other trying not to bring attention to ourselves. Andre ended up dancing with a few of the older girls. Beck was invited but declined. They called us "Winnie and Kevin" (like form the Wonder Years) and said we were cute because we were sticking together. I hate being called cute. Luckily, our interaction was cut short when they went to go dance to their "jam". Gag me now. Then, as the freshman guests of honor we got to play in their game of celebrity. Our team won. They were surprised but should not have been, I always win. After about an hour and half we left so that we could head back to Andre's house and then my mom picked up Beck and I. Overall, our first high school party was successful. We made it out in one unhumiliated piece. Good thing Robbie wasn't with us.

**New Year's Eve 2010**

Cat held a New Years Eve Party at her house; well everyone had to go home by 10. I came to the party earlier to help her ice the red velvet cupcakes and talk her out of using such a massive amount of streamers that it was going to look like a tornado hit a streamer factory. So I can be thanked for the toned down usage of streamers. Cat and her mom made an over abundance of snacks for the party. Cat claimed that the party was being thrown by the both of us. I tried to be very clear to her that it was just her party. I would never want to throw a party. Why would I want so many people in my house? Cat and her family don't mind apparently because they were all very enthusiastic about the party. The party was held in the basement and her parents checked in every half hour or so. Andre was in charge of the playlist so it wasn't too bad. I mostly hung out with Beck and occasionally had to glare at some girls that were circling like sharks to try to catch him by himself so they could talk to him or shove their tongue down his throat. I grew tired of this so I dragged Beck to the backyard so we could be free of the pigtailed sharks. They didn't really have pig tails but they might as well have. There are those that literally wear pigtails and then those that figuratively wear pigtails. Both are equally as disgusting. We just sat on the porch swing in the backyard. We talked some about stuff but we mostly sat in silence. We held hands for a little bit and kissed a few times before we were interrupted by Robbie who was upset because some of the kids tried to play spin the bottle but when he joined them they stopped, saying the game was already over. He literally sat in between us to tell us his sob story. It was almost ten and I didn't want to listen to Robbie so I left to go back inside. Beck followed me. Beck's mom picked us up and dropped me off at home. My mom was at a party so I rang in the New Year by myself writing in this journal and listening to music. Beck just texted me to say, "Happy New Year" and I even texted back saying, "You too."

**Girlfriend, Boyfriend? January 2010**

Beck and I have been spending more time together. The time we spend together usually consists of doing homework at the library after school or his house, we go to movies, watch movies at each other's houses, eat, and go on walks. Sometimes we are with everyone else and sometimes we are alone. One day at lunch Rex asked if Beck and I were dating. I told him to mind his own business or did he want to know so that he could find out if Beck was available. Later that day Beck asked me if I was officially his girlfriend. I told him that I wasn't into labels or being anyone's little girlfriend. I don't know why I said that, it's not like I want anyone else to be Beck's girlfriend. In fact, today I overheard in the locker room that Ashley McStupid asked Beck out. He rejected her, which pleased me, even though I am not officially his girlfriend.

**Beck's Birthday January 2010**

Today was Beck's 15th birthday. I don't just get anyone a gift but since Beck and I are sort of dating I thought I would get him a gift. I wanted to give him something special. He really likes lemonade. He gets it a lot at lunch and when we go out to eat so I got him a can of lemonade. I wrapped it up and put a bow on it. He drank it. I was also going to tell Beck that I would be his girlfriend. I chickened out on that one.

**15 Years Down February 2010**

Today was my 15th birthday. I am not a huge fan of birthdays. Birthdays mean you are one year closer to death. Why do people celebrate being one year closer to death? Anyways the best thing about birthdays is cake. The worst thing is about birthdays is that you have to feign surprise and thanks when receiving gifts. People ask you what you want for your birthday so why should you act surprised when you receive what you asked for. It is protocol to get someone a gift for their birthday so why am I supposed to act all grateful? Birthdays are so stupid! My mom wanted me to invite my friends over for cake, I said no way in hell. I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. Beck knew it was my birthday because when it was his birthday he asked me about mine. I told him not to tell anyone. He gave me a necklace with a hammer on it. He figured that since I like scissors I might like hammers. I do like hammers. A hammer was actually one of my favorite childhood toys. I was surprised that he got me a gift because lately, well since his birthday, he hasn't been talking to me as much or making plans for us to hang out alone. Anyways, my mom and I went out to dinner and had cake. We went shopping and she bought me a new outfit and boots. My father sent me a check in the mail. I was at his house last weekend. I guess he couldn't have given me the check then.


	5. Chapter 5

**Girlfriend. Boyfriend. February 2010**

Beck and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It happened earlier this week. Ashley McStupid was flirting with Beck and he was letting her. I told her off and dumped her French fries on her head and told her to stay away from my boyfriend. Beck apologized for me and then went after me. He was all she was only talking to me. Then, he changed the subject by talking about how he is now my boyfriend although he doesn't remember accepting that role. I couldn't think of a clever reply so I stomped on his foot and walked away. So now I am someone's girlfriend. I warned Beck that it won't be easy. Just because I'm his girlfriend now it doesn't mean that I will make him a sandwich, let him win arguments, or be arm candy. He stated that he expected nothing less and was up for the challenge. So far so good. Nothing has changed just because we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. More people know that we are going out now so fewer girls come up and flirt with Beck. That's a plus.

**Forget Romance, Embrace Horror February 2010**

I just had my first official Valentine's Day as part of a couple. I always thought it was a lame holiday so I told Beck not to bother. There was a school dance but I didn't want to go and I don't think Beck was too keen on the idea either. I mean we're still getting use to dating so being at a school dance on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year would be awkward. I mean holding hands and kissing in public is still new and a little awkward. So instead we went to Beck's house and watched The Scissoring, it just came out on DVD. Beck said we should make watching a horror movie on Valentine's Day a tradition. It's not a bad idea. I knew he was ok.

**Meeting the Parents (Officially) March 2010**

Beck's parents invited me to dinner at their house since Beck and I are "going steady" as Beck's mom puts it. I was so not looking forward to it. I mean I have had pizza at his house before but never a sit down dinner, just the four of us. I can tell his parents are not thrilled that Beck and I are dating. Beck's mom fixed a salad, rolls, roast beef, and vegetables. She even had a dessert, apple pie. The food was good but the conversation was awkward. They kept asking me questions about school and my family. They seemed to feign interest in my answers but they were really prying information out of me. Beck seemed rather oblivious to their tactics. He said I was just being paranoid and that they were trying to get to know me. Why do they have to get to know me by asking questions and talking to me?

**Mr. West, A Father Once More March 2010**

Benjamin Westhas now been born. I don't know why my father would want to take another stab at fatherhood. His first try, me, didn't work out so well. Kelly is younger and stupid because I guess she thinks my father will actually be a good father to his second child. I predict nothing will change. I actually feel sorry for the newest West. Honestly, I do hope that this kid will have a better childhood than me. I know I talk bad about Kelly a lot because she is stupid for marrying a man that cheated on his first wife and has a yappy dog that pees when it gets excited. She acts like a valley girl and is from Malibu. Who is from Malibu? No one. People go there to vacation not live. Regardless, it would be a shame if my father's second marriage failed. Kelly and my dad don't fight as much as my parents did. They do fight but Kelly seems to let a lot go. That disgusts me because my father doesn't deserve it. She doesn't mind if he is late or doesn't call. It's like she is a trophy wife and she knows what she signed up for. It was strange seeing my father with the baby. A tall cold man holding a tiny baby is odd. He was actually smiling, briefly. I wonder if he smiled like that when I was born. I went to the hospital room to see the baby after it was born. I held it. It or, Benjamin, is tiny. He was really red and didn't have much hair. To be honest I saw a few cuter babies in the nursery. I also saw some really ugly babies in the nursery. I mean some people should not reproduce. I didn't stay at the hospital very long. I kind of felt out of place with the three of them and Kelly's family there as well. I went to the house a few times this week, since it is Spring Break. My mom actually encouraged me to go. I know it was hard for her. She actually walked to the door to give them a gift and some bread we baked. She was trying to do the right thing. Kelly invited her inside to see the baby. When my father found that my mother was there he said nothing. Well, he did ask if the bread was store bought or if my mother made it and added poison. He just went back to his office. Kelly actually looked embarrassed. My mother got to leave the awkwardness but I had to stay a few hours. I saw the baby unbundled for the first time. He has really thin legs and his knees are really pointy. It was freaky. I prefer him bundled up. Yesterday Kelly asked me to watch him for a little bit so she could take a shower and sleep for a few hours. She looked like she hadn't showered in a few days. I reluctantly agreed. He slept most of the time and I had to feed him when he woke up. It was ok for a few hours but I think people with more than one kid are insane as well as people, like Kelly's mother, that go on and on about how precious babies are, give me a break.

**Break Up and Make Up May 2010**

I guess today was just another day in the life of a teenage girl. It was an average day at Hollywood Arts. Of course average for HA not average for anyplace else. We had an assembly today where members of a circus talked to us about their performing arts careers. I'm not going into detail about that because it sickens me too much. I'll just say that Cat and Robbie wanted their autographs. I wanted to shove them each off of the tightrope. A surprising twist happened at the end of the day when Beck and I broke up and then made up. Beck was at his locker and a cheerleader stopped to ask him for directions to the gym. He looked at her with confusion and pointed her in the right direction. She touched his arm as she thanked him. I saw the entire thing from my locker. I then proceeded to grab him by the arm and yell at him. Irrational of me, yes. Naive of him to think she was some dumb cheerleader that needed directions to the gym where cheerleading practice is held everyday, yes! During the course of our fight I ended up saying maybe we should just break up. To which he said fine. I walked away and he went after me. He told me that he knows I have a jealous streak and it's something he has to deal with but it's worth it because otherwise he would be dating some dumb cheerleader and he has no interest in that. I apologized for freaking out. We made up. Time span of the breakup: ten seconds. If there is one thing I have learned from dating Beck it is that jealousy and irrationality due to jealousy comes naturally to me. I have always been jealous. I was jealous when my mother gave away my old potato patch doll, when another kid was hogging the black crayon, when someone else got a solo in choir, when my mother left to go out on a date, and so on. Having a boyfriend seems to magnify my jealousy and make it ten times worse. It also probably doesn't help that I was exposed to my mother's distrust and jealous outbursts concerning my adulterer father. She even took me on a few stake outs when she followed my father to see what he was up to. She didn't have a babysitter, not that I would have behaved for one and let my mother leave me, so she told me we were playing a game. I didn't know what cheating was but I did know that we weren't playing a game.

Beck held my hand on the bus ride home and walked me to my house. Beck asked me why I got jealous so easily. I confessed that I was a little jealous and mistrusting. My dad use to cheat on my mom and I never wanted it to happen to me. The first time my mom found out she went back to him and I haven't really respected her since. I have never told anyone these things, yet I told Beck. He assured me that I can trust him and he joked that he wouldn't want to do anything that made me mad anyways. I reminded him that I do own some sharp scissors. I want to believe him and part of me does but I can't fully believe him. I mean when my parents got married I'm sure my father thought he would be faithful. Even though he ruined his first marriage he still remarried. Will he be faithful to Kelly? Intentions don't happen. Reality happens. I didn't want Beck to leave yet so he came inside, which I'm sure is forbidden on both ends. Two barley fifteen year olds alone, it was the first time we've been alone without a parent or annoying friend within hearing distance. We ended up having our first real make out session on my couch. It was an interesting day.

**Cliché's All Around Me May 2010**

I just got back from my first school dance. I didn't really want to go but Beck asked me to and if we didn't go cheerleaders would think they could ask Beck. In fact, a few cheerleaders did ask Beck. He told them he was going with me, even though I hadn't said yes. Yeah, I know I fell right into his trap. I wore a black lace dress and black heels with spikes on the back. I'm only telling you to give you a visual. I went to the dance with Beck, Andre, and his date Alisha. We went as a group because Alisha's parents will only allow her to go out in groups. I am also guessing that Beck's parents would prefer he spend time in groups as opposed to alone with me. They probably fear I will make him join a cult or something. Andre's mom drove us there and picked us up. Anyways, cheerleader Alisha and Andre have been flirting for months. He finally asked her to the dance. As the night wore on she showed her true colors. She talked constantly. She never shut up. She was a total valley girl. If the car ride there had been a second longer I would have thrown her out of the car. As soon as we got to the dance Beck and I got as far away as possible from them. Beck wouldn't admit it but he couldn't stand her either. The concept of a school dance was kind of awkward. I of course have a ballet background but I have never danced with a boy. This whole close proximity thing was new to me. Beck seemed nervous too and he doesn't seem like the dancing type. We were both happy to stay on the sidelines. We talked, I made fun of people while Beck smirked along, we made up stories about the people we saw dancing, we avoided Alisha, and listened to Robbie annoyingly complain that he didn't have anyone to dance with until Cat said yes. He asked us to watch Rex. At that point I realized that this was not going to be a good dance if Beck and I were wallflowers sitting next to a puppet. We must have looked pathetic. I threw Rex to the ground and dragged Beck into the hallway. I suggested we creep into classrooms and look in teacher desks. Beck thought we shouldn't risk detention with Vickers and we should give into dance rituals. As a compromise we looked in one teacher desk, Mrs. Garcia. The only thing interesting was that she had 12 packs of tic tacs. She must have a really bad breath problem. After that adventure, we went back to the gym to partake in one dance. The song "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher was playing. This made us both laugh. Beck joked that he hoped I liked this song since our first dance was to it. That meant it would have to be our song now and maybe he should start calling me babe. I lightly punched him the arm and he complained that I had sharp knuckles. Beck thought I was leading and I thought he was leading and we were stepping on each other's feet. This lead to a bit of bickering. It was rather cliché but I am finding that many clichés have been happening between Beck and I lately. Of course, the fighting about whose leading is definitely not normal. Normal's boring anyway. When the song was over Andre had found us and was begging us to help him with Alisha. He never wanted to talk to her again after tonight. She was already planning on them going to the next dance together. I told Andre that he should just be straight with her and tell her he would rather never go on a date again and become a monk than spend another minute with her. Beck and Andre thought he should be gentler. Andre ended up telling her nothing tonight. His plan is to pretend he had a good time and avoid her at school on Monday. We'd all be busy studying for finals and summer break was coming up soon so he would be able to easily avoid her. Wimp. Later, when I was getting ready for bed Beck texted me:"Good night, babe. " And so it begins.

**Oh Canada, How I Hate Thee June 2010**

Beck has been keeping a secret from me. He's from Canada. We were eating lunch at his house and his parents started talking about how they are going to Canada to visit their family for a few weeks this summer. They went on and on about how they don't miss the weather but miss their precious family. To conclude, Beck is from Canada. I hate Canada. I have had nothing but bad experiences when it comes to Canada. Before my parents got divorced my mom and I accompanied my dad on a trip to Canada. He was there for business. Looking back at the trip it was a last ditch effort to save our family. My dad was often away for business and my mom always complained about him never being home, so he made his business trip double as a family trip. It was freezing and the people were so friendly it made me want to lick a metal pole and get my tongue stuck. In the hotel room my mom and I were watching a Little House on the Prairie rerun, something we often did as we light heartily made fun of the characters, my dad was reading paperwork when a woman had come to our hotel room knocking on the door and said in a sing song voice," Daniel open the door I have a present for you." I may have been in elementary school but I knew that it wasn't the kind of present that could be given in front of my dad's wife and child. I had never seen my mother look so sad before, she caught my eyes and then she calmly looked at my father and told him to get rid of her. My father left the room and my mother went to the bathroom. I think she took a shower so that I couldn't hear her crying. My father came back to the room and went back to reading his papers. After about 10 minutes he said he had to go to his meeting. That night my parents ended up fighting on the balcony while I was supposed to be asleep. I couldn't make out everything they were saying. I could only hear bits and pieces. I ended up falling asleep and the next time I woke up my mother was in my bed and in the morning we left. I knew that when my father got back to town he would not be coming home and a divorce would be imminent. I later confronted Beck as to why he had never mentioned being from Canada. He said it wasn't a secret it had just never come up. Never come up! What else has never come up? I knew Beck seemed too good to be true. What else is he hiding?

**Freshman Year Good Bye June 2010**

Freshman year is now over. It wasn't an awful year. A lot of new things happened. A lot of unexpected things happened. Honestly, I feel a little ambivalent about summer. The routine I had going is over. I don't know if I'll see Beck very much since he has to go to Canada, and I'm little afraid that I will see way too much Cat. Cat invited me to go on a beach vacation with her family. She keeps begging me to go. Her brother is in a special hospital so he will not be going. Her family is renting a beach house in Malibu for a week. So if I became too tempted to drown Cat in the ocean I would be close enough to go home. There is also a summer play at school but I can't audition because I will be gone for the duration of the play. My mom and I are going to my grandmother's house in Napa. She is having surgery so we have to be there. Yay. I get to hear my grandmother lecture my mother about her life choices. Then, I will hear my grandmother lecture me about my life choices and tell me how I can avoid ending up divorced from an adulterer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summer Traditions July 2010**

Beck and I have a summer tradition. It happens Tuesday and Thursday. I watch my brother from about7:30-10:00 a.m. so that Kelly can go to Pilates and the gym. Beck mows the lawns of two old ladies in the neighborhood. So after we're done, which is around the same time and after Beck has showered I show up at his door and we watch TV or a movie. Sometimes we just take a nap. We're not supposed to be alone together so we have decided that we are just really stupid. But if we didn't take the risk we would hardly ever see each other. We also take preventative measures to try and not get caught. We keep the doors locked and we always stick to his house because his parents are more likely to drop by the house. If that ever happened I would hide in the closet.

**Cupcake Catastrophe June 2010**

Beck got the lead in the summer play. His costar is this Meredith girl. Meredith disgusts me. She brought Beck cupcakes when the two of them met to rehearse. What kind of girl brings another girl's boyfriend cupcakes? Beck claims that she is only being nice and she brought cookies for the entire crew and cast. Cupcakes are better than cookies. Everyone knows that! She brought my boyfriend cupcakes. Beck explains this by claiming that she is only thanking him because they practiced their lines together. Whatever. I hate that I am not around to keep an eye on this Meredith girl. I am in Napa stuck at my grandmother's house. The only thing people care about in Napa is wine and cheese. What snobs! On the plus side I am out of here tomorrow. I'm going to go text Beck and see what he is up too, rather what Meredith's up to. I texted him like two minutes ago and he still hasn't texted me back. I bet their rehearsing. I hope that Beck's mom doesn't find out about Meredith's extracurricular baking. As a baker herself I imagine that she would just love for Beck to have a girlfriend that bakes. I bake but it not like I can ever bring Beck baked goods because his mother is a baker so mine would never be as good as hers. I think when I get back home tomorrow I will show up at rehearsal unexpectedly and make sure Meredith is keeping her cupcakes to herself.

**Cupcake Sabotage June 2010**

I showed up unexpectedly. I think Beck was happy to see me, well until I enacted my plan. Meredith was there with cupcakes again. She must have a very limited baking repertoire. I thought her cupcakes were dry. I made sure she knew this bit of information. She took it well. She thanked me and told me she would remedy it next time. How dare she, I can't believe her! I followed through with my usual routine, shaking her down, reminding her that I could destroy her social reputation, and I could call the health inspector on her dad's bakery. Beck said I was being a crazy jealous person and that I didn't need to worry about Meredith. I proceeded to rant and Beck gave me a shut up kiss. I got a little distracted and promptly left. But I am confident that my plan worked. Sinjin peed his pants, so at least I intimidated someone.

**Summertime July 2010**

Beck is in Canada and I am on vacation with Cat's family. She is currently chasing seagulls. She's been doing so for an hour so at least she will sleep well tonight. I don't know what is wrong with this girl. She begs me every night to make up a bedtime story, she sleeps with a stuff animal, and has a nightlight. Earlier we were building sandcastles; mine was a witch's castle. It was very well sculpted and quite large. Cat knocked it down, for fun. She is so not getting a bedtime story tonight. Anyways, I hope Beck is not meeting any Canadian girls. He's been calling me pretty regularly and has sent me a few postcards. He'll be back from Canada this Wednesday and I'll be back in LA on Sunday. I hope nothing has changed between us. I'm kind of nervous since we haven't seen each other in a while but I'm also pleased I will be seeing him soon.

**I Do What I Want July 2010**

So I got a tattoo. I also got my eyebrow pierced. Yes, I'm not even a sophomore yet. No, that is not legal. Let's rewind a bit shall we. I've always liked tattoos, not like fairies or tweedy bird obviously. To me a tattoo means that you have accepted and made the decision to commit to something. A tattoo should be something that represents who you are as a person. When people reach a certain age they forego their dreams and goals and settle for mediocrity. The problem is that they don't even realize that they have settled until it is too late and they are stuck in a bad situation. But if you have something like a tattoo that represents who you are and what you aspire to be maybe you won't forget. Maybe you won't settle. That was my plan with my star tattoo. From my ballet days to my days at HA I have strived to be the best. I started out with talent and then I put in more hours of work than anyone else. I have achieved things independently. In the beginning my mom was physically at every recital or play. But when my parents got divorced my mom simply wrote the checks I needed or gave me a ride to practice. She would show up on opening night but it wasn't the same anymore. It was just something to check off of her to do list. My father hardly ever came to anything. If he was there it was because my mother nagged him until he couldn't stand it anymore. Those were the times I had wished he wouldn't bother showing up. I didn't want to overhear my parents fighting as my mother used yelling and guilt to tell my father he needed to show up at one of my ballet recitals. If he came because my mother made him he would be in a bad mood and that would take away from whatever achievement I was a part of that night. My star tattoo reminds me that my father's disinterest or disdain for my dreams or achievements cannot be taken away. It reminds me that my mother's disconnectedness cannot lessen my desire for what I want or what I have accomplished. It also reminds me that I will keep trying and growing and I will not give up like my mother did.

Now that brings us back to how I got the tattoo and piercing. My mother and I were at the mall shopping. She was in a bad mood because all of the clothes I bought were black. We walked by a tattoo parlor and I asked my mother if I could get one before I turned eighteen. She said no and we had a fight. It was a really big fight that expanded into subject matter that had nothing to do with tattoos and lasted during the car ride and ended at home. So fifteen minutes later a plan emerged. Well, my neighbor's son is a tattoo artist. He's also on parole and lives with his parents. Anyways, I saw him at his mailbox and asked him if he would give me a tattoo. He said no, he didn't want my mommy to tell his. I made him a proposition. Give me a tattoo and piercing or I would tell his parents that he had a party last weekend while they were away. Since he often threw parties I also offered to call the cops to inform them of the under aged girls I was sure attended along with alcohol and pot. He agreed. I also got an eyebrow piercing while I was there from a girl he worked with. I figured I might as well get both while I was there. I rather get in trouble for both now than get in trouble now for one and get in trouble again later. When I came home my mother was furious and grounded me. She said I would be further punished but my father's fury would be punishment enough. Then I had to listen to her complain about how my father was going to be pissed at her for allowing this to happen. I swear most of the reason she is mad at me is because of what my father will say.

PS My father was furious. He called me a freak and an embarrassment. He woke up Ben by yelling at me, which made his wife mad at him so he left the house and came back a few hours later. I am now ungrounded. I ended up being a totally pathetic girl and wondering what Beck would think. Beck seemed fine with it. He claimed that he didn't understand why I was willing to risk the wrath of my father. I explained to him my reasoning for getting the tattoo and piercing now. He said he got it. It was kind of hot too. He was really sweet about it and made me feel better about how my dad freaked out.

**The End of Summer July 2010**

Only a few weeks of summer are left. I've been babysitting Benjamin from time to time so that Kelly can go to the yoga or the gym. He is getting more interesting but he still just lays there most of the time. It makes me thankful that I am not a baby. It must really suck to just lay there and depend on everyone else for everything. Something else that sucks is the food situation at my father's house. Kelly is trying to lose the baby weight so she is on a health food kick. I'm all for eating healthy but Kelly goes overboard. Seeing someone in spandex making a protein shake at 7am is repulsive. Seeing my father with the baby is even more repulsive. He is definitely no Mr. Roger. He only talks to the baby about becoming a lawyer one day. He still works just as much as he always has and Kelly pretty much takes care of it by herself. Other than baby duty, which I get paid for, sometimes, I have hung out with Beck and our lunch group. We usually go swimming at Cat's house, we've gone to the movies, bowling, and miniature golfing. When we went miniature golfing Robbie hit himself in the nuts with his club. That is probably one of the highlights of my summer, except, it was topped when Robbie saw Cat and I in a bikini for the first time(we had always worn one pieces or more covered up two pieces but they were still wet from yesterday so we only had bikinis left to wear) and he fell into the pool fully clothed. That's all I can write for now, Beck and I are starting a Hitchcock movie marathon this week.

**I Love You August 2010**

I love you. Three little words that some people say too easily and some do not dole out enough. Last week Beck and I were talking on the phone and I made some sarcastic comment and Beck off handedly said,"That's why I love you." I thought it just slipped out and maybe he didn't mean anything by it but part of me wanted it to be real. Then, I started freaking out about what would happen if he meant it. Could I say it back? That night he sent me a text saying 143. I texted back asking if he had a stroke and forgot how to use words. He told me to look it up. I looked it up but only because I wanted too. It means I love you. After what felt like an eternity of deliberation I texted back 1432. Last night, I went to Beck's to watch a movie. He walked me home after and at my door he told me he loves me. I said it back. I thought it might be hard to say but it wasn't. It was easy. I mean I was nervous but I love him. He understands me. I understand him. He can make me feel better. He can calm me down. I can tell him my secrets. I can let him read my writings that most find weird and disturbing. He buys me scissors. He likes coffee almost as much as I do. He will watch a plot less horror movie with me and I will watch a plot less action movie with him. He doesn't slurp his soup, which I hate, and he has good table manners, which is important to me. I don't have an easy time trusting others or letting them in and it has taken me a long time to allow Beck to breach my walls but he has patiently been chipping away. It scares me but it also makes me smile.

**Dinner with the Devil August 2010**

I have been avoiding having Beck meet my father. I mean I don't even want to be around the man. Having Beck avoid meeting my father meant that I had to miss out on spending time with Beck. At first I would just have my stepmom drop me off where Beck and I or our friends were meeting. Eventually she noticed "the boy with the hair" and was informally introduced. She wanted to know if he was my boyfriend so I told her to mind her own business. Of course if my dad was around he would often get mad that I wanted to leave his house on the weekends to be with friends or spend the night at Cat's place. According to him I was only required to be at his house every other weekend so I should be with him not friends. It's not like he would be paying attention to me anyway. Fortunately, Kelly would convince him to let me go out after dinner. I guess that was her trying to make up for the fact that she told my dad that I have a boyfriend. My dad then got mad at me because I was "lying" about a boy. So I was forced to invite Beck over to my dad's house or else I wouldn't be allowed out of the house. It turns out that there is one thing that Beck is scared of, my dad. I could tell Beck was relieved to leave. My dad barley even said anything. He just asked Beck why he was at HA and if he thought he could make a living by acting and asked him a few questions about his family. It was pretty awkward dinner conversation. Kelly tried to fill the silence by talking about her yappy little dog and other annoying stuff.

_Thanks for reading. Sophomore year is next. _


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